I was lost, but now I’m found.
In 2010, when my “baby” went off to college, I started this blog.
As a stay-at-home Mom, whose focus had been her kids, once they were gone I was lost, empty, and felt like my job had been outsourced. I put everything I had into making sure my kids grew up happy, healthy, strong and knew they were loved.
Then reality set in. I had no college degree, no recent work experience, I was differently-abled after cancer, and living with daily pain, and the longer I stayed home, the more my self-esteem suffered.
I’m not a quitter so I figured, how hard could this be?
A blog about recreating me.
I can do that. I raised kids. I’m resourceful. I’m courageous.
I will recreate my life, find a job, earn a pay check, and I will finally be fulfilled!
Soon my blog became posts about hope, pain, then joy, and sorrow, toss in a little love story, and positivity and you have what felt like a mishmosh of blog posts, when I just wanted to be a light in someone’s life.
In 2014 I was depressed, and I took it down only to put it back up again but why?
Why did I really build this blog?
What was I expecting?
Would anyone even notice it was down?
Looking back, it seems like a woman desperately trying to find her way and to be a light in others’ lives, but she had no clue what to do, so she just kept swimming, because moving forward meant not giving up.
Yep, that’s about it!
I didn’t want to quit. I wanted to “be something.” I wanted a job because that would finally validate me, and a pay check would take away the guilt of hubby being the sole provider all these years.
I was searching, so I tried a million things, but nothing brought me peace, and honestly, I became angry.
Angry with myself for not going to college, angry with society for not honoring stay-at-home moms, angry with business’s who wouldn’t give a differently-abled Mom a chance at a job, and that hurt, anger, anxiety, sadness, stress, and worry, caught up with me. I saw my demeanor changing, and I became a person I didn’t want to be friends with anymore.
Then in July, I had an emergency surgery. It was a reminder that battling Anorexia and Bulimia for 32 years was not a bad dream. My body was breaking down, and 19 years in recovery meant nothing.
The surgery was humiliating, painful, and gave me a lot of time to think about the past, the future, who I want to be when I grow up, and it wasn’t the girl I had become.
As I was recuperating, I read a book called “Childhood Disrupted,” By Donna Jackson Nakazawa. Then I researched the subject, and began to believe the premise that our bodies keep score.
Any trauma we suffered as children, whether it be medical, surgical, physical, emotional or sexual abuse of any kind, leaves an imprint on our DNA. Our bodies take the brunt of that pain, and that results in inflammation and illness throughout our adult lives. But the beautiful thing is we have the power to change our circumstances. We can heal our bodies, our hearts and our pasts. I was now up to thirty-five surgeries, I’d been sick since I was a kid, always fighting something, and I was done. No more surgeries, no more sickness. Changes had to be made!
My first change was going on a Whole-Foods, Plant Based, No Oil Diet. I believe this food plan, can be life changing. I’ve tried for 14 years to be successful and failed. This time I was not going to fail!
That was 104 days and 17.6 lbs. ago, and I am so stinking proud of myself, I can’t even tell you!
Then I had to get honest about the hurts, and losses I couldn’t let go of. I was tired of holding on to yesterday’s pain, and allowing it to affect my health, so I made an appointment with my Dr., spilled my guts, set a plan in place to get healthy, and with his support I was on my way.
I added in 30 minutes a day of walking no matter what, without fail. My Dr. suggested a meditation app called “Headspace,” and the next thing I knew I was hooked!
I love a man with a British accent, that’s why I married one! But Andy Puddicombe, the creator of Headspace can read me the phone book any day! Seriously though, his guided meditations have seriously changed me.
Wait me? Sitting still long enough to meditate?
Well, I am on day 27 and I feel amazing!
Who knew that taking just ten minutes a day to be still could change your life.
Then I had to deal with the chronic pain and scar tissue that tied my little chest up in knots. I met Atalaya who teaches Yoga, and specializes in Chronic pain. The next thing I know, I am doing planks, downward dogs, cat cows, and I am a regular little yoga chick!
Just 2 sessions with Atalaya and my scar tissue in my chest wall started opening, I began to feel stronger, my pain levels began to drop, and I found a determination I had lost a long time ago. It’s been so nice to take a deep breath without pain.
The changes I’m making are healing my body, mind, and soul. I am experiencing pure joy, peace and love. I no longer stress over every little thing. I am so grateful for the people God is putting in my life to help me along this journey.
A few weeks ago, I started taking whole-foods, plant based, cooking classes online, and a photography class and I am having the time of my life!
I was the girl who wanted to turn her kitchen into a library. I would be happy if we ate out every day of the week. I hated cooking with a passion! I was terrified of knives, and now I am cooking healthy, tasty dishes, learning to combine flavors and I am having so much fun!
The classes are healing my heart, teaching me how to make nourishing foods, and my life is changing in ways I never expected. There is a fire inside me I never knew I had and I never want it to leave. I can’t wait to wake up, get in my kitchen, and see what I get to cook next!
I feel passionate about something for the first time in a long time. I thought I had lost that feeling.
Do I have a job? Nope
Do I have a career? Nope
But I have learned to accept my different-abilities and love myself for each one.
I have spent time being still, talking to God, and sitting in peace and quiet, while my stress melts away.
I am learning that its ok to practice self-care, to set time aside for me and I don’t have to be everything to everyone. I do need to honor, love and value myself, and be the best possible version of myself.
Life requires a lot out of us a Moms. We must be there for our kids. We are called to support and love, to know when they need us, and when to back away. Sometimes, even if it hurts us to watch, we need to let them learn the hard lessons on their own, so they can grow into the strong people we know they can be. That process is hard and sometimes we lose a little piece of ourselves along the way, and when we lose ourselves, we lose everything.
So I got it all wrong. When I started this blog, I was searching for a job, a paycheck, and a purpose. But I was chasing the wrong things. I was never going to be successful because I had lost so much of myself. I had no idea who I was, what I wanted, or how to be an employee, let alone a good one. I needed to get honest, start taking care of my body, mind, and soul, and I needed to put my oxygen mask on first, before I could be a light to others.
I am grateful for the passion of cooking. I feel blessed to been given the gift of meditation, and yoga. I love my new life and what makes it better is I did this. I made the time, I took the initiative, I kept going when it got hard, I didn’t quit!
I was lost, but now I’m found.
I have no idea where this road will take me. The fog hasn’t lifted yet, and I can’t see the path clearly. So I will keep waiting on God, and trust that he will show me the way in his good time.
Until then I will Be Still and enjoy the journey.