Do you ever feel like “Just a _____?” Fill in the blank.

Do you ever feel like “Just a _________________?”
Fill in the blank. Just a babysitter, just a Dad, just a Mom, just a chauffeur, just a slave to the daily grind, or just unemployed?

I sometimes feel like I’m just a Mom, just a wife, just a stay-at-home, broken, nothing with no career, no degree, no purpose, and I have no future.

Do you ever feel like you’re taking up space, but not really moving forward?
Do you look at the past, but you can’t recognize the contributions you’ve made in this world? Do you ever feel like you’ve screwed up so bad, your loved ones are better off without you?

We all hurt, we all have different types of pain, and our pain comes from different places, but its still pain, and should be acknowledged, and valued.

Full disclosure, I got really, really low yesterday. Circumstances in my life clouded my ability to see my value, and I started feeling like I didn’t matter, like no one would notice if I was gone, and I wanted someone to miss me,  I wanted to know I was still loved, thought about, and that someone gave a shit about me.

So I left my house and went for a walk. I had no idea where I was going, I just wanted out of my house, and I wanted some air, but I was scared, and I felt all alone.

In my neighborhood we have a ton of parks. As I made my way through almost all of them, I found, and sat on a giant cement frog, ( Yep, a frog)  and pondered why I am here, what I have to offer this world, where I’m going, and I felt nothing, I was dead inside.

At that moment, I honestly felt like a piece of shit, and I believed that no one would care if I was gone. I believed I had no one to talk to, no one who would open their doors to me, wrap their arms around me, and comfort me,  or even take time out of their day for me.

Then I felt my body jolt, (not kidding) and I had a flash back to 1985, when I hated myself so much, I took 78 laxatives in hopes I would die. I wish I could tell you that was my only suicide attempt,  when I was younger, but it wasn’t.

Those memories freaked me out. I got scared and kind of woke up from my fog.

Oh my gosh is this what happens to someone right before they kill themselves?
Are they so low that they can’t reason with themselves? They can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, and they feel they have no one to talk to, or cry with?

Just to be clear, I was not suicidal, I am not suicidal, and thoughts are not actions, I am fine, but its concerning isn’t it?

We live in a world where people are online and not meeting face to face anymore.
Everything from classes, degrees, 12-step programs, social events, even dating is online now. We don’t have to meet face to face anymore, so it makes it so easy to send an emoticon and smile 🙂 or tell someone you’re busy, ignore their texts, or even text back: “Thank you! I’m Good,” when you’re actually crying, and what you want, but are afraid to admit, is to be comforted, to be transparent, in the hopes that someone will understand your pain, and take it away.

First, and before you think it, Yes, a lot of amazing people have met online, built fantastic relationships, and everything is happy, happy, joy, joy right?

I get it, I have met some wonderful people online. With one of my friends we boast about a 20 year online friendship, but I still want to be there to support her when she is hurting, I want to hold her when she cries, clean the house, take the pressure off and make her a cup of tea. But I can’t, we are too far away so this is how we communicate.

I believe that deep down inside, even introverts, want one-on-one interaction. We want to be able to show our real selves, and meet others at that deep personal level, but we don’t because we’re scared they will reject us.

Last night, as I walked around my neighborhood, I counted all the amazing people I have met here. Then I went through them one, by one, and told myself that none of them would want my drama, have time for my pain, understand where I am coming from, and that they all have their own lives, their own pain, and I can’t go to their door crying because they won’t accept me.

How sad is that?

The truth is, most probably everyone on that list would have opened the door, hugged me, and let me come in, but my insecurities made me feel so small, so insignificant, so unwanted, that I walked around my neighborhood for 2 hours.

Then, when I had finally lost it and was a puddle of tears, walking down the path in front of me, was a friend and her dog. My first reaction was, Oh God, I have to be happy now, don’t let her see your tears.  I tried to smile, but I’m certain she knew something was wrong.

Then something strange happened, she sat down with me. She took the time to talk to me, she paid attention as I talked, and she got it, she understood where I was coming from. I did something I am not used to doing with people. I opened up about personal stuff. I told her I didn’t want to be a burden, and that I didn’t feel I had anyone to talk to here, and she sat there talking to me, no judgment, just friends sitting at a park, being together, understanding one another.

I should also mention that her dog showered me with puppy kisses, and I just felt so loved. I wanted to hold on to him all night. What a comfort he was. What a comfort she was.  My friend,  that I believed in my mind would not understand, or open the door for me, or make time in her day for me, did and it felt so good.

Many people I know, have lost loved ones to suicide and I have seen the agony they suffer, and the unanswered questions they struggle with.

I would never do that to my family, but as I sat on that cement frog yesterday, I had a glimpse into how easy it is, to go back to those feelings of feeling unimportant, like you have no purpose, and no value to anyone, when the truth is, we all have value, we just need to slow down long enough to see it . We need to believe that someone will always be there for us and we  have to have the courage to reach out, and ask for support.

Its my guess, that those who kill themselves never reach out. In that moment, all they want is for the pain to stop. That’s how I felt all those years ago, that’s how I started to feel last night, and it breaks my heart to think of those who are alone in that moment. They say if someone wants to die, they will, there is no stopping it. But that’s supposed to be ok? What kind of an answer is that? There has got to be something we can do to help.

Life is hard. We all struggle, but most of us put on a happy face, and make everyone think we are wonderful, when in fact, life kind of sucks sometimes, and by not being real, we are giving off an air of perfection when no one is perfect, no life is perfect  and we all need someone.

Last night, my friend walked down the path in the park, and I believe she was meant to be there. The time we spent together brought me peace, clarity, tears, laughter and joy, and I went home feeling like I had been kissed by an angel.

I left my house lost, alone, scared, mad and deeply hurt. But my time alone brought me clarity, compassion for those worse off than myself, and my friend made me realize I do have a purpose, I have a voice, a passion, lots of people who love me, and through my writing, I can make a difference in someones life.

I sometimes feel like I am just a Mom, just a wife, just a stay-at-home, broken, nothing with no career, no degree, no purpose, and I have no future, but those are just lies.

I am a Mother to two of the most loving, compassionate, intelligent, caring kids who challenge me, teach me, try my nerves, and bless me everyday.  I will love and value them forever.

I am a wife to the most loving, patient, irritating man, who has taught me so much about life, and in turn taught me patience, how to be a wife, and how not to give up.  How he puts up with me is anyones guess but I am grateful he does.

My scars are war wounds, and my broken chest, is a battle ground to show I survived.  I have a degree in compassion, love, kindness, and empathy. No college will ever be able to top that, and society can’t take that away from me. I have a purpose to be transparent, to share my pain, and help heal broken hearts and wounded souls. I have a future, I am not sure what it is right now, but I agreed to go on the journey to become a writer, no matter now painful it will be, and I will not quit.

Life isn’t about how fast you complete the marathon, it’s that you make it to the finish line.

I hope the next time you get really low, you find someone to talk to, and take the time to realize how special you are.  We need more amazing people in this world and without you it would just suck.

Love, compassion, understanding and blessings,
If you don’t believe in yourself, I will until you can,
Kath

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