My son called me this morning and told me I sounded like I was going to cry.
Within seconds I was crying…no….screaming, wailing, just letting it all go…..
I’m tired of being tired.
I’m tired of pain.
I’m tired of not having a job.
I’m tired of finding a job, getting excited, then crashing and having to quit the job.
I’m tired of not feeling like me and I don’t even know who that is anymore.
I’m tired of scheduling fun things with my friends and canceling because I’m too tired.
I’m tired of friends telling me to stay positive, because as loving as they are, they just can’t understand. I’m tired of starting things and quitting and looking like a flake, when the truth is I crashed. I didn’t manage my energy, I blew it. I took on more than I could handle and I had to quit again and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of Dr.s telling me I need more rest and that I do too much when I don’t do anything!
I’m tired of going to more specialists, having more tests and feeling like here is no hope for this. They can’t help me, why try anymore?
This is what cancer does. This is what menopause at 27 does.
Not all Tata’s can be saved, not all people go back to their amazing normal lives when the cancer is gone and live happy happy lives, the truth is some are left tired, hurting and forever picking up the pieces, trying to move forward, trying to be positive every day, to not be a burden but to be a light to others, all while wondering if they will ever feel themselves again.
This is what Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia and Lupus and Sjorgrens Disease and other auto immune disorders look like. This is what millions of people around the globe feel like everyday and I am one of them.
My son listened, he let me rant, cry and let it all out. He gave me permission to just be sick and tired of being me for a little while. Then he thanked me for being there for him his whole life and told me he could not to it without me.
My daughter heard me crying and came in to hug me and said: “Thank you for fighting for us. I know it took a lot out of you and it breaks my heart but I love and appreciate you and all you did to stay with us.”
And that was it….
Listening to both my kids show me compassion, love and understanding. Letting me cry, rant and just let loose and thanking me for being their Mom and just doing what any other Mom would have done.
That’s just what I needed. I needed to cry. I needed to rant. I needed someone to understand, to let me speak, to let me be me and to not try to fix me but just let me get it all out.
Yes Cancer sucks.
Yes Auto Immune issues suck.
Yes Chronic pain and health concerns suck.
But most of us who are suffering are not out there crying about our losses everyday,
We are out there thanking God for our blessings because we know there are many.
We are reaching out to others who suffer because we understand.
We are trying to be a light in the darkness and be part of the solution not the problem.
We continue to work on our health, constantly looking for ways to feel better so we can give more to others and beat this!
But sometimes life’s simple daily duties wear us down and we need people who understand, who get it, who will let us cry, rant and be loved and accepted for who we are and not the amount of times we post happy things on Facebook.
This isn’t a poor me blog.
This is an “I get it” blog.
This is an “I get you and your pain” blog.
I am TIRED of hiding my illness, of making others think I am lazy or a bored housewife, or I must not like them because I’m always canceling on them.
Always a smile, never a frown.. in public because people won’t understand.
I am home because illness forced me home.
Because after being in bed for 10 hours, I get out of bed and want to go back.
Because taking a shower is like running a marathon some days.
I’m home because bone crushing pain brings me to tears everyday but I smile so as to not be a burden. When you measure pain on a scale of 1-15 and a 9 is no big deal then you have serious problems.
I’m tired but I cry out, reach out and hang on to God because I know that no one can fix me, no one can make this go away, no one can breathe life back into me but HIM!
I’m tired but I did not hang on a cross and my little cross to bare is not nearly as heavy as his was.
I’m tired but there are others far worse than I am, dealing with far more pain and horrible prognosis’ and THEY are my hero’s!
I’m tired, I may be slow, It may take me a while to get there but I will never stop trying to help others, to be a light and to bring some joy into the dark days of others.
I’m tired but I am truly blessed because I never have to cry alone.
13 I can do all things through Christ[a] who strengthens me.