For the right reasons..

My daughter and I have been watching the Bachelor and Bachelorette shows since she was a little girl.

It began as our Mother/daughter time. We would grab snacks, jump on my bed, and we were ready to follow the journey of these love sick hopefuls, watching what we had hoped would be a show about finding true love and how beautiful and magical it can be.

I believed it, I really did. I had hope for these couples.
I fell in love with my husband after spending just 31 hours with him on a tour bus of all things.

What makes me think that magic doesn’t happen?
I believe God has a plan and who am I to think that his plan wouldn’t utilize the latest technology?

As the years passed the show slowly evolved into drama, as life can be when 25 young, “beautiful,” women are sequestered in a house with no phones, no family contact and vying for the “love” or maybe even “like” of a really “hot,” “successful” guy the networks had primed to be the next bachelor.

I put “beautiful,” “hot” and “successful” in quotes because I have a very hard time with labels and I personally believe all women are beautiful and success can not be defined by how much money you have, or what type of job you have, as it is on T.V. but I digress.

So as my daughter grows,  I age gracefully, our Bachelor franchise grows with us and we go from thinking these couples are going to find love to watching only to feel sorry for those girls left behind, hoping and rooting for them to find someone who truly loves them and to honestly to watch something totally cheesy and something that is so far from our reality it makes us laugh.

One thing the bachelor or bachelorette will ask those vying for their love, is are they there for the right reasons?

One season, it even became a chant. “For the right reasons, For the right reasons” and now one former bachelor has written a book, I have not read, called: “For the right reasons.” The chant was corny, the question had been asked a million times over the last 13 years, and who knows why some of the contestants are really there.

Some may be genuine and some may be snakes, but as someone who believes in love and tries to find the good in people, I want to believe the majority are there to find their soul mate. I mean isn’t that what we all want? To find a love that surpasses all understanding and who cares how we find it, we’re grateful when we do right?

Recently that crazy chant has been in my head like a bad elevator song.
Am I doing ______ for the right reasons?
Am I eating ______ for the right reasons?
Am I involved in _______ for the right reasons?
IF I am then why do I feel so empty?
Why do I feel so unfulfilled and so lost most days?
If I was exactly where I was supposed to be wouldn’t I feel peace?

Then a friend asked me the same question. If you believe God is leading you in one direction, why are you going in the other direction?

And I answered her: Because its hard and I don’t want to cry anymore.
To which she answered, (and I’m paraphrasing pretty closely): But what if through those tears you helped someone else heal?

I had no answer. I just got a sinking feeling right then, that what I was doing, I wasn’t doing it for the right reasons, and I wasn’t doing it for the right person.

I was doing it to make money for the budget and while that is honorable and commendable, if I was being called to so something else, then I need to honor the one who calls me to that task, and follow his plan for my life, not try to control it.

With so many people wanting to write books these days I am the one trying so hard to stay in my writers closet and slam the door. I’ve written about my writing issues and fears before and I’ve come out of my closet and gone right back in.

I don’t feel equipped to share my stories and heart with the world. I don’t feel worthy to bare my soul to strangers and have them judge me, and yet am I not doing that here?

Writing has been a dream, a goal and a nightmare to me but I know one thing, when I am not following Gods plan for my life, I am empty, I am lost, I am sad and until I get back on track that s where I will live and I HATE it here!

I have not been doing a lot of things in my life for the right reasons. I’ve cowered, I’ve lived in fear, I’ve supported my friends in their dreams, then become a fraud not following my own. I have put things in my way, I have made excuses, I have kept myself busy and here I am, still sad, lost and wondering whats next, when I know whats next!

I am just too damn scared to buck up and do it!
Where are those big girl panties? I need to put them on.

For the right reasons. I want to do things for the right reasons not for the wrong ones!

13 years later, even when my daughter was off to college, we still talked about the bachelor. We laughed about it and kept up with the story because in some crazy way it had become a part of our history together. We created fond memories together. THAT we did for the right reasons and I’m so happy we have those moments.

I don’t know where this is going to take me, I don’t know if anyone is even reading this, but I do know that I am going to take life one day at a time, surrender my fears to God and ask him to walk with me as I attempt to follow his lead.

May we all get to a place where we have more peace than pain and more love than fear.
May we all start to love and believe in ourselves just as Jesus loves and believes in us.
Maybe then things will get easier.


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