What does passion mean to you?
Do you even remember the last time you were passionate about something?
People are always telling us to find our passion and be passionate about what you do for a living and you’ll never work another day in your life.
But what if you can’t remember what passion is?
What if you just “like” a lot of things?
What if somewhere down the road you stopped dreaming and stopped having passion for things you used love.
What happens then?
What happens when you push yourself aside for so long that the things you’re passionate about are long gone? What happens when everyone else becomes your focus and you forget who you are? What happens when they leave?
This happens a lot for moms.
Moms who have been at home raising their kids, they put everything into their children and then the kids do exactly what you taught them to do. They go away to college, meet someone to love, start their own families and they’re gone.
Suddenly everything you were passionate about is moving on with their lives the way you taught them and one day you are sitting at a kitchen table by yourself looking around realizing what an amazing job you did!
But then why do you feel so lonely?
That’s what this blog has been about for the last 5 years.
I started this blog and called it Re-creating me.
My daughter left for college, my son moved away and I was lost, crying and trying to figure out what was next for me.
In the last 5 years I have searched high and low, I have experimented with things that I thought brought me joy, and they did, but was was I passionate about them?
Maybe, but if I was, wouldn’t I still be doing them?
Sometimes we have to look a little deeper than our interests.
Sometimes we have to wait on the Lord and see what his plan is for our lives.
But in all honesty, and I don’t know about you, God doesn’t always talk to me and instruct me so eloquently that would make me certain its a sure thing.
Sometimes I feel a gut feeling, sometimes he gives me an interest in something but I’ve been waiting for that “PASSION,” at least, i’ve been waiting for what I think passion means.
I believe that passion means you have a fire in your belly, that you want to scream and talk about whatever this is all day long.
I believe that passion means you can’t get enough of whatever it is you’re doing and that no matter what, for no matter how long, you will always love it.
I believe the passion means that even on the bad days you will still be on fire.
I believe that passion means that you were meant to do this, that God has spoken in the strongest ways and you are now 100% certain that this is what you’re supposed to be doing.
Maybe I’m wrong, maybe my definition of passion is very black-and-white.
What If passion is just a strong desire, or a strong “like.”
What if passion just means you really like something a whole hell of a lot, maybe you want to try it out?
I am one of a dying breed.
I have been a stay-at-home mom for a very long time.
I find it very hard to meet people my age, in their late 40s, who have stayed home with their children and not gone back to work or school.
It doesn’t happen in 2015 that you find someone who has given up that much time, and who has given up that much of themselves to someone else without finally taking the time they need for themselves.
In some ways it was cancer that kept me home and in some ways it was love and passion for my family. A husband who works so hard for this family that I wanted to run the home and support him, in this day and age it’s hard to find people who do that.
I am not something special I just have a huge passion for my family, a passion that I think is indescribable. I would walk over hot coals for them. I am passionate about making them happy, passionate about teaching them how to live their own lives and passionate about making sure that they know they’re loved every day without question, unconditionally!
What else am I passionate about?
That’s a good question.
I am passionate about writing, but writing my life story tears me up and I struggle with depression. I think that if the Lord wanted me to write my story then he better give me lots of strength, because I lived through it once, and I’m just not certain I can write it out for the world to see and live through it again.
So I continue to search for my passion, I love to write, I love to public speak but where do you go to do this? I don’t know.
So I brainstorm, with those I love, I share my interests, I think outside the box and I’m constantly trying to look for things of interest to me.
I’ve written on this blog before that I want to “heal broken hearts and wounded souls” and I want to do that in the written word and the spoken word. But through this process of re-creating me I’ve started to think that I was being very narrow minded. I was waiting for something to be so obvious and maybe it just isn’t.
What if instead of it being right in front of my face I actually have to go little deeper?
What if instead of talking to our friends we actually have to go to God with it?
I love to pray for everybody and anything but honestly I very rarely pray for myself.
I talk to God, I cry out to God but when it comes to me I seem to be passionless.
I’m not your average Christian, I know very little about the Bible and I met God in a place of pain so all I know how to do is cry out to him, I don’t know how to really pray for what I want.
Honestly I think that’s kind of selfish. Some would disagree with me and I may have just insulted some people but I can’t just ask him for things, after all he is done for me the last thing I want to do is ask for more, so I cry out to him and I think he listens. In fact I know he listens to my heart and to my cries.
He hears me, I know he does, and I think he plants seeds and I’m certain he brings people into my life to plant seeds and I can miss those seeds and they will die, or I can acknowledge them, water them and hopefully watch them grow.
I have recently moved…. again!
Call me crazy but for a long while I’ve just felt like something was wrong. I loved my neighborhood, I loved my city but I just felt like something was wrong I wasn’t where needed to be and I was miserable.
Now I moved, and the process was painful, very painful, but we’re here now and it feels right, I have this strange feeling of peace that I am exactly where I need to be and that something good is right around the corner.
I believe the Lord is opening doors.
Okay some of you will think the Lord doesn’t open doors or create opportunity but this is my blog remember?
So, the Lord is opening doors…..and as crazy as this sounds, I’m starting to feel peaceful, not scared, not filled with anxiety, not filled with worry, but peaceful, excited and curious as to where this is going to go.
So I looked up the definition of passion, and this is what I found
any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.
strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor.
strong sexual desire; lust.
an instance or experience of strong love or sexual desire.
a person toward whom one feels strong love or sexual desire.
a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything: a passion for music.
the object of such a fondness or desire: Accuracy became a passion with him.
So as I re-create my life after cancer, I have wandered the lonely road of trying to find where I fit in this world. Looking for what is meaningful to me and how I can make a difference and some days I have been gutted wondering if God really had a plan for my life.
But after looking at this definition I realized I had it all wrong.
Maybe because I love my children so much, i felt that all passion should be as strong as the passion you have for your family and God and I’m realizing now that’s just not the case.
Passion will never be that strong for me, because I created these little human beings with someone that I adore more than anything and I believe God gave me these gifts.
I believe ists what every parent should feel, its a gift to love someone more than yourself.
There’s no way any other passion could ever compare to this, nothing could ever touch this.
So I’ve decided I’m a very passionate person. I have a lot of compelling emotions and I feel very deeply. I have a lot of enthusiasm and a lot of desire for a lot of different things.
I believe in myself to accomplish those things but I never allowed myself to move forward because I was waiting for this huge passionate moment that’s not going to happen!
I’ll say it again I think as moms we put everyone first and push ourselves down. I think we forget about our passions and maybe even our likes and dislikes because were too busy trying to raise our children in the manner to which we believe they deserve to be raised and somewhere along the way our needs become unimportant.
That’s not so cool, it would be great if we could give all of ourselves to our children and still make sure that our needs are met too.
Things were different when I was raising my kids. It wasn’t the 1950s but things were different and I know there’s moms out there that can understand. Maybe one is reading this blog and if they’re not maybe you should forward it to them.
So I am still on my quest of re-creating me, but now this blog is KathleenThackham.com because I want to own who I am, and I want to start putting my needs, maybe not first, but at least closer to the front.
I want to find my way and create something beautiful. I want to heal broken hearts and wounded souls so bad.
So I will keep trying and maybe one day I will write and share that I know what I’m doing, and it brings me passion, not the kind I have for my kids and my husband because no one or anything can never touch that but a new kind of passion.
So to any of you who might be searching, or feel a little lost or passionless, this blog is almost 5 years old. It has been taken down and put it back up and here I am still searching, still brainstorming and finding hidden talents in the process, I am resourceful that’s for sure!
I hope that you don’t give up on yourselves, I hope that in the tears and the pain that you continue to believe that you are worth this journey, that even in the darkness, a light will always shine and there is a purpose for you, there is a reason why you’re here and there is something amazing waiting for you.
Never lose sight of that and you will eventually find what you’re looking for.
To quote the movie Nemo “Just keep swimming!”
Gods Blessings to all of us on a journey, you will be in my prayers.