Do I have guts?
Apparently not because I cowered and ran away.
Have you ever had something nudging you for years and you just can’t escape it?
I have a little voice inside of me that I believe is God prodding me, pushing me and nudging me to write. This has been going on for a long time. The Lord nudges me forward and I take two steps back and go into my shell.
Just when I feel confident, Just when I feel I have the moved forward, just when I feel I am following his plan, I step back again and still, my loving father continues to stand there with arms wide open and wait for me.
He never quits, probably in the hopes that one day I’ll get the picture, put on my big girl panties and finally trust him, but there’s something in me that always says I can’t do this.
This past summer I wrote on this blog about finally stepping out and becoming the writer I know I am meant to be. I felt positive, I felt courageous, I started writing articles, I joined a writers group and I even put an author page on Facebook.
Then I wrote an article close to my heart. I put so much into it, it was hard to write. For months I cried while writing and then sent it off to a magazine and it felt amazing!
One of the best feelings ever but the process was really hard.
I got very sad, border-lined depressed, my body was tense, my stomach started hurting, my blood pressure spiked and in knowing my life stories, I started questioning why God wanted me to write this.
Why am I putting myself through this?
Will my writing really ever help anyone?
I’m going to get sick, I don’t want to go there, I can’t go there, I went through this once and survived, I don’t think I can survive it again!
I started questioning if this was what God wanted me to do.
I am certain it is, I know because he has given me a passion, a yearning and a deep need to share my stories.
All I have ever wanted is to be a light in the darkness for others.
I wanted my life stories to help heal broken hearts and wounded souls and yet even though I wanted this, even though God is knocking on the door telling me to do this, I haven’t had the guts.
The Lord doesn’t give us a passion if we are not intended to use it.
But even with knowing this, I also knew I was going to be an absolute wreck and so I cowered. I stopped writing, I went on with my life trying to pretend that writing means nothing to me and figured I would go help in a classroom of first graders somewhere.
Months passed and the magazine did not contact me and I didn’t even care, because if it was published, that would mean that I had something to say and I wasn’t sure I want to say it anymore.
Still it seems that the Lord feels strongly about my writing because he keeps putting people in my life to nudge me, and although I am certain they have no idea he is using them, I do.
This morning, my friend David Dendy who runs a blog Seeing God at work everyday put his latest blog post on my Facebook wall. This is uncommon for David and as I adore him I wanted to give him the courtesy of reading it.
Then I cried.
I cried because the title of the blog post is Do you have Guts? and after reading it, I realized I don’t.
I don’t have guts. Not when it comes to my writing.
I fight everything else in my life. I fought through cancer, I fight through health issues, I fight to keep my marriage healthy, alive and lasting, I fought for my kids health and was an advocate for them when they were little, I sometimes fight for justice but when it comes to my writing, I don’t have the guts, I don’t fight, I cower.
But I realized some things when reading David’s blog this morning.
David writes: Where do we get this idea that we have to “get the guts out” before the light can come in and shine?The beauty of the gospel, as I read it, is that Jesus, the Light, comes into our world, into our neighborhood and into our lives while the stringy, sticky guts and seeds are still in there. The Light of Jesus shines through the guts, the strings and the seeds.
In other words, I have to sit in my fear, I have to cry it out, I have to fully rely on God to walk with me and get me through the tough times.
“I have to get the guts out so the light can go inside and shine through.”
Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world.
Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” (John 8. 12 ESV)
So that leads me to question what’s next?
Does this mean I don’t trust the Lord enough to guide me through the pain to write the stories?
Is it that I’m not seeking him as I write them?
Something is going on.
A lack of faith? Allowing fear to drive me into my shell?
I’m a fighter. I’m not a quitter.
David’s blog was a challenge to me.
A challenged to pull closer to my heavenly father, a challenge to fully rely on God and let go and let him do his job, a challenge to take the first step forward, start writing again, rely on him in the darkness, because “you have to get the guts out so the light can go inside and shine through” and I want that more than anything.
David Dendy, I do have guts, and I love you and thank you for your blog.
For whatever reason you posted it on my Facebook wall, maybe you felt I needed to read it.
The Lord used you to get me up off my butt and I am going to accept the invisible challenge.
I am going to try again. I am not going to quit.
I may kick and scream on my way but instead maybe it’s best I get on my knees and pray.
Jesus looked hard at them and said, “No chance at all if you think you can put off yourself. Every chance in the world if you trust God to do it.”
So I think that’s where I start..with prayer.
What are you afraid of?
What pulls you back and keep you from doing what you believe you’re meant to do?
What are you going to do about it?
I am not going to quit.
I do have guts. Do you?