I’ve wanted a tattoo for a long time.
I lost a baby during a life-threatening miscarriage 24 years ago.
It was devastating.
We named her “Faith” as we needed our faith to move on.
I’ve been blessed to be Mommy to two amazing children, both born very ill, both taught me how to love, both made me a better person.
Still, there is a kind of loss that leaves an empty space in your heart and I wanted to honor the baby but I was too afraid.
After receiving my cancer diagnosis I decided to get my tattoo. I figured it was time to do all the things I was afraid to do.
The truth is I was afraid of the pain and judgment.
But all that changed when I feared I might die. Suddenly I felt carefree. Nothing else mattered but embracing every minute of every day and loving my family. I didn’t want to miss a moment and I didn’t want to leave anything undone.
I didn’t care what the world thought of me and I didn’t mind a little pain.
Then four back-to-back surgeries in four weeks, eight rounds of chemo and complications from surgeries and I became very needle phobic. I could panic just walking into a doctor’s office and smelling chemo.
No needles, No tattoo.
I yearned for it. One day I was going to do it.
I had to conquer this fear.
Through this recreating me journey I’ve realized I have become afraid of a lot of things.
I was afraid to fail.
I was afraid to succeed.
I was afraid to try.
I was afraid to step out of my comfort zone.
I was afraid to follow my dreams.
Am I going to let fear control my whole life?
What’s next fear of leaving my house, fear of socializing?
Fear can take over and before you know it, youv’e become a shell of a person.
Not going to happen.
I have lived there once and I am NOT going back!
So I put together a mental list of fears and decided to start conquering them.
I am valuable, I am worthy and I am going to follow my dreams.
I signed up for a writer’s conference.
Then I joined a writers group.
Started to panic and almost didn’t make it to the group but I got there.
A few days later I sent in an article to a magazine conquering a huge fear of mine and achieving a personal goal.
I feel amazing!
When I look at my tattoo I’ve come to realize just how big this is for me.
This is more to than a little bit of ink, it’s a memorial to a child I lost, it’s a memory of the day my son saved my life, and it’s a physical reminder to fully rely on God in all situations.
It is a testimony to my strength, courage and resilience.
I get it now.
A tattoo is not just ink. It’s expressive, meaningful, personal.
I didn’t get this because I hate myself or I want to deface my body.
I am a recovering cutter. For many years I cut intentionally.
I have scars all over my body, they are my warrior stripes, a reminder of the hell I lived in and the battle I fought to live a life I deserve.
I didn’t get this to cover up what I don’t want to see, I got it as a visual reminder of what’s already in my heart.
I got it to empower myself, to remind myself I can fight, that there is nothing I can’t do.
Now when I feel afraid or second guess myself, I’m reminded of all I’ve overcome and all I’ve achieved because I didn’t quit.
There is something amazing about conquering a fear.
It’s invigorating, it’s inspiring, it’s life changing!
It’s almost like your high without mind-altering drugs.
You can thank no one but YOU because it’s YOU who did it.
No matter what happens next, I know I have the courage to fight through it, I know I am strong enough to never let fear run my life again.
I am living life fully, not fearfully.
Did I need to permanently ink my body to feel all these things?
I have a little baby angel watching over me. She already left an imprint on my heart, a little ink is the least I can do.
Gods abundant blessings to you!