I’ve been on this roller coaster of trying to get a grip on a Plant-based diet for about 12 years and up until now I have always failed.
Is it because it’s hard?
No, It’s because when I get stressed I devalue myself and run to anything that will harm by body.
I’m starting to think it goes back to when I battled Anorexia/Bulimia and self harm/cutting.
When I was stressed, angry or hurt I would harm myself.
I truly believed I needed to be punished for whatever it was I did.
Sometimes I had no idea what I did, but I was convinced that all the pain in my family, was my fault, and no one could tell me any different.
So I would starve myself for days, weeks and sometimes months and if I failed at that, I would eat until I was sick and vomit until I saw blood. Then for good measure and to make sure I was punished enough, I would cut my body until I was sure a scar would form.
Yep I said it, I would cut this precious body that God gave me because I was certain I was crap, unwanted, unloved and never good enough.
I was damn sure I was going to be good at something! So I started abusing laxatives. I started off with just 2, then 4, then a handful, and I “ate” them like they were M&M’s.
Finally the night after a big fight with an abusive ex-boyfriend, I grabbed a handful of laxatives in boxes and shoved them all down at once.
78 laxatives, 10 bags of I.V Fluid, being propped up on a plastic toilet in the Emergency Room, going in and out of consciousness and I hear the muffled sounds of the Doctors telling my parents: “If” she lives, she will have to go into an Eating Disorders Unit.”
Ya think? I needed HELP!
And honestly I needed help before it got that bad!
But no one noticed any of it and if they did, they closed their eyes to it, they walked away and let me deal with my pain alone until I almost died.
For those of you who would read this and say recovery is my responsibility, I agree 100% but I was a child, then a young teen, then finally, at the end, an adult.
Looking back at it now, I see that even with 17 years in recovery, years in therapy, and a family who loves me to death, I still fall into the old habits of devaluing myself.
At times, I still believe I should be put last or that I am unimportant.
I still go back to those days when I want to punish myself for things that are no way near my fault but thankfully I don’t act on it.
Now I NOTICE, now I SEE, now I UNDERSTAND what I need to take responsibility for, what IS my fault and what is NOT my fault.
It breaks my heart how many children are hurting today and no one notices, and if they do they are too busy to care, or they don’t want to be bothered.
We need to NOTICE when our kids are hurting. We need to CARE and when we see them acting differently than their norm, we need to get out of ourselves and give a shit about someone else but ourselves. Tossing them in rehab and having someone else “FIX” them isn’t the only answer.
We need to believe in our kids when they can’t, or they will grow up never knowing they can!
I am 17 years in recovery and every day I am grateful and blessed.
The Lord put an amazing man in my life who loved me enough to fight for me, then he asked me to fight for me and eventually I was strong enough to fight for us. He held me when I cried, he listened when I needed to talk, he protected me when I needed protecting, sometimes even from myself, and he believed in me when I couldn’t.
And now, as I work through this challenge of taking better care of my body, I am on day 21 of a Plant-based diet and I am learning so much about me. Along with feeling physically healthier, I am recognizing that as strong as I think I am, I still fall into old patterns and old hurts.
I will NOT devalue myself anymore by eating food that is bad for me.
I will take time for ME everyday to challenge myself, to grow, learn and figure out what brings me the most joy and peace and then I will chase it.
The Lord saved my soul. My husband saved my life and life is sweet!
The least I can do is thank them both for the gifts and take better care of me.
My husband said this to me many years ago. It touched my heart then and it still makes me think. Read it and tell me, can’t you imagine God saying this to you?
I sure can!
“When the game has ended and everyone else has gone into the locker room and left you standing here alone, I will be the one on the field with you, I will not judge you, I will not abandon you, I will never desert you. I am your best friend, don’t shut me out. I love you.” ©GThackham2010
Gods Unconditional Love and Blessings,