God made a mistake!
I was a little girl, who was unnecessary.
I felt fat, ugly and a waste of Gods precious time.
Binging, purging, and starving ruled my every thought.
Diet pills, laxatives and self-mutilation became my “God.”
I wanted to die but failed at a suicide attempt.
“What a waste, I can’t even succeed at dying!”
I loved God so much but hated myself even more.
He may be perfect but with me, he made a mistake!
After thirty-two years of suffering, hospitalizations, laxative overdoses and therapy,
I went into recovery and battled my way back from hell.
Five years later a high-grade, aggressive cancer invaded my body and I lost my breasts.
I live with chronic, daily chest pain and wear no prosthesis of any kind.
The decision was made for me, not by me.
After my last surgery, I sat in front of the mirror, staring at this disfigured, broken chest.
How was I going to dry the tears, when we’re defined by our looks and what we don’t have, we can buy?
How could I be proud of the body God gave me, when cancer took it away?
I had nothing left. I was raw, numb and dying inside.
The only words I could speak through the pain were: “Thy Will Be Done.”
I was done! “Whatever you want from me Lord, take it now, I have nothing left, you have my attention.”
God took me on a journey of self-discovery and redeemed this dying soul.
He replaced the pain with love, acceptance and worth, taught me to value myself, honor my past and to live life fully, not fearfully.
The war wounds highlight the battles I have won and the promises God kept.
I thought God made a mistake.
The mistake was all mine.
I failed to see how deeply he loves me and how precious my life is to him.
I wasn’t a little girl who was unnecessary.
I was a little girl with a purpose.
God has a plan for my life and I will go where he leads.
“Thy will be done.“
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
In all ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.